5 Ways to Shut That Whole Thing Down

Wish upon a star above your rapist’s right shoulder
Click heels and say “There’s no place like a clean womb”
Use your native witchcraft to turn each sperm into a little Toad Akin
Use the iPhone app to access your Gy-Fi
Ask “Is it in?”
Use your vote (Okay, 6 ways, but this one actually works)

—Don Whittington

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