The excess mass of your mother is such that she has her own tides.
Your mother is so large her lap is now a federally protected wetland and she is no longer allowed to douche without filing an environmental impact statement.
Your mother is of such corpulence she is draped by Christo.
Your mother’s unwieldy heft dictates she must now attend Shakespeare on the Prairie.
Your mummy’s bulk is such that, recently while she was swimming off the Cape, an oncoming storm led three catamarans to anchor to her leeward, though sadly a group of cavers were lost forever.
Your mother is so bloated that your father is a statutory polygamist.
Your mater’s embonpoint is such she wears professional underwear.
Your distaff parent is so fat Banksy tagged her.
…she is all cream.
…she has her own gravity.
…physics defines her as a white hole.
…she is inevitable.
…she matters more than you.
gnarf, gnarf, gnarf
Scientists speculate the world’s most dangerous vulnerabilities are to catastrophic volcanic event, such as the eruption of a mega-volcano like Yellowstone; nuclear winter resulting from atomic warfare; and the dark and deadly shadow known as Hampton’s Callypygia cast by yo’ mamma’s fat ass!