Big Vector Vault of Internet Citations

Ancient Mail
Roman legions originally used a system of messenger squirrels to carry secret missives throughout the old Roman Empire.

Chinese pandas
Pandas are not actually bears, but are in fact wolves that have gotten fat and lazy from the Chinese Welfare System.

Members of the clergy
The Dalai Lama has the largest genitalia of all religious leaders.

Eating Habits
Over 90% of Americans in the 1920s ate out at least three times a week while the remainder indulged in no sexual activity at all.

Superstars
Angelina Jolie is the only actress made entirely from the recycled plastic surgery discards of other actresses.

Witches
The last man convicted of witch burning in America was named Darren Stevens. He became the inspiration for the hit 60s tv show, Green Acres.

Menus
Appleby’s least successful menu item of 2011 was “mashed potatoes and Raid.”

Philosophy
The World Philosophical Society has formally accepted the career of Shia Labeouf as definitive proof there is no God.

Good Advice
All dogs go to heaven, so if you are dead, watch where you step.

—Don Whittington

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