Opening Lines From Troubled Indie Novels

Having defeated the zombie uprising, the ghouls were now suing in federal court for freer access to the nation’s cemeteries.
from Toothpicks After Dark, by Jeremy Jeremiazocket

“Do I need to nail every puppy to the barn, or just the ones who sound like whimpering demons?” asked Jessica around the nails in her mouth.
from Jessica of Willowsnips, by Sally Ann Kittycuddle

“Forget it, Marge, I’m not letting you adopt an ungrammatical horse,” said Nelson.
from Mr. Bob, the Badly Talking Horse, by Wilberrrrr Hutchinsuchin

“There is a certain type of publisher which insists on classifying anything with a teen protagonist as young adult,” thought thirteen year old Buck Stitt as he absent-mindedly buggered his Aunt Clara.
from Fifty Shades of Buck, by Jerry X. Pedience

Charlotte  liked nothing better than to walk about naked in the mausoleum eating boiled eggs and drinking Carlsberg beer, ripping off a random fart against the cold marble of Uncle Fred’s sarcophagus.
from Charlotte’s Web Site by E. B. White

—Don Whittington

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49 thoughts on “Opening Lines From Troubled Indie Novels

    • I’m not sure, actually. The implication that the story to follow is something vaguely unsettling, I suppose, and therefore fails to sell because there isn’t the editorial structure to help resolve it. Like most titles it is just an excuse to tell th joke. I’m glad you liked it.

  1. Pingback: Opening Lines From Troubled Indie Novels | birdmanps

  2. Are these real quotes? The names of the authors are suspicious. Perhaps they’re pseudonyms? While Mr. White was quite awesome and I’m sure his web site would’ve rocked, he unfortunately died just a few short years before Al Gore was good enough to grace us with the interwebs. If they are real they should have taken advice from another of Mr. White’s excellent publications, The Elements of Style. To wit, Rule #17: Omit needless words.

    • They are only real to me. As you suspected, the names are part of the joke. All the words are, of course, timeless, deathless, and critical. Including these. And those. Thanks for the comment.

  3. Too be honest what caught my attention was the insanely fat squirrel.
    I’m afraid I don’t know any of the books mentioned in your post but I’ll see if my library has them and if they’re any good.

  4. The Fifty Shades of Buck quote is brilliant. Very very funny. Great end to my day of writing! And, as many other authors are now thinking, let’s just secretly glance sideways at our first lines again . . .
    Cheers and well done for being pressed.

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