The Heretofore Neglected Ballad of Latham Ogden Stogner

Latham Ogden Stogner was a most peculiar kid;
Pe-cu-li-ar-i-ty was stamped on everything he did.
He used to stuff fresh tung nuts in the pouches of his mouth
To spread his cheeks out farther so his teeth stuck further out.
Folks said, “You’re a card, boy, with them tung inflated cheeks.”
But Latham was a chipmunk and he didn’t give a squeek.
Didn’t give a squeek.

Latham Ogden Stogner liked to raise a litle hell;
H-E-L-L raising was a thing he handled well.
He’d hang around at picnics that were sponsored by the church,
And bite the heads off turtles, and spit them at the girls.
He’d catch black widow spiders and drop them into Cokes;
He was quite a fellow with an eye for funny jokes.
Eye for funny jokes.

Latham Ogden Stogner had a yen for pretty girls;
Pretty G-I-R-L-S would put him in a whirl.
One girl was young Betty Skoomp, and she was pure delight;
Her figure white as dumplings and her hair was anthracite.
He snuck up once to Betty Skoomp and kissed her on the cheek.
And then to prove his love was true, he drowned her in the creek.
Drowned her in the creek.

Latham Ogden Stogner was a guy like you and me;
Guys like Y-O-U and me are hardly all you see.
It saddened us the way the county hung him, for they did,
In front of all the women folks and all the little kids.
Yes, we were all appalled when Latham Ogden Stogner swung.
It’s just a shame the way it seems the good always die young.
The good always die young.

—Don Whittington

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