Porn Performed in the style of Dragon Ball Z

(The following was transcribed from an unlabeled  VHS tape found in a box bought at an estate sale.)

Scene: A living room. Housewife in lacy garment confronts sexy plumber.

Plumber:
I understand you have a problem.

Wife:
I have a problem, yes.

Plumber:
A plumbing problem?

Wife:
I have a plumbing problem which only a man like you can solve, a plumber such as yourself who is familiar with the pipes of women.

Plumber:
Indeed, the pipes of women pose no mysteries for me.

Wife:
Let us hope not. The same cannot be said for my husband. My husband tried to fix my pipes, but his snake is small, too small to fill my pipes efficiently. And it is short as well. It is my feeling that my needs lie deeper than his snake can reach. That is why I have summoned you.

Plumber:
(Frowns) I hear you talking of your pipes, but there is much in what you say that makes me think another thing as well.

Wife:
I do not know what you mean.

Plumber:
I mean there is a sexual undercurrent to all that you have said so far. My plumber’s ears are trained to detect these doubled entendres no matter how you try to hide them with your lascivious, soccer-mom double-talk.

Wife:
Do not toy with me, plumber. I have said nothing to indicate that I have ulterior motives toward you. Why, if I did would I not open my lacy outer-garment just a bit to reveal the swell of my breast? Shall I show you how I would do that so you will understand that it is not what I intend to do?

Plumber:
Beware, eager housewife, for I am a married man with high standards and would resist being corrupted by you in this manner. It is my every intention to leave before you could such, thusly, decidedly, so reveal yourself in the aforesaid fashion, to wit, breastwise.

Wife:
But I have not yet revealed myself in that way, nor would I, except that I want to clearly demonstrate the kind of behavior to which I am not prone. That is why, despite my virtue, I am about to display the swell of my breast.

Plumber:
I must urge you madam, to resist, for I will not tolerate my iron resolve to be so tantalized, and will be forced to exit.

Wife:
Then go, even though I am about to reveal the swell of my breast at any second, which will prove my motives are pure.

Plumber:
Be warned, temptress, that I must charge you for my visit, though I have plumbed you not.

Wife:
See how even now my fingers have hooked the lapel of my lingerie and soon will pull back to reveal—

Plumber:
Do not say it.

(Close up of Wife’s face, then Plumber’s, then wife’s fingers, then Plumber’s face, then Wife’s face, and so on…I hit the fast forward and swirled through many minutes of faces and fingers until finally a few millimeters of décolletage are revealed. I resumed standard play.)

Plumber:
…and now I find I am driven wild with desire to show you my snake.

Wife:
Is it big enough to fill my pipes?

Plumber:
It is more than big enough to fill your pipes, even should your pipes be of Lohanesque dimensions.

Wife:
Then fetch your snake, but be warned—once you have shown me your snake I will insist that it go into my pipes. I will accept no other course of action.

Plumber:
Though the desire rages in me, I should refrain. I am a man of scruples.

Wife:
Take note, plumber, that not far from where my nightie’s delicate lapel is draped lies a nipple which I am prepared to show you in only a few moments from now.

(Click and blank screen. Then message: Insert cassette 2 of 29 now. Followed by snow.)

—Don Whittington

 

 

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