Smug Puppies

i think all newscasters in america
should allow the network engineers
to modify their voices electronically
like these new young singers do
but instead of wasting time with autotune
and putting their voices on pitch
make all of them sound like huckleberry hound
i could pay attention to that
the sports guys could sound like barney rubble
and all the weather people might sound like snagglepuss
wouldn’t it be great to wake up and find
rocky and bullwinkle are the new hot voices
for play call and color from the booth?
how is that not better than today’s yammering knobs?
since none of these people are ever willing to shut up
even for a few seconds to let a point sink in
the least they can do is make their prattle more entertaining
make those ladies on the view
sound like sylvester and tweety, like augie doggie and doggie daddy
ratings would skyrocket, broadcast networks would be saved
gradually, over time, we could move the humans out of camera
altogether and replace them with smug puppies
i wonder how long it would take americans to notice
the difference between brian williams and a weimaraner
between rachel maddow and a pharaoh hound
or diane sawyer and a stoned mongrel in a party hat
come on, networks, I’ll have my pack call your pack
we’ll get together in the big apple and start sniffing asses
see if we can’t get this whole thing sorted out
remember, moguls, dogs will work for kibble and entrails
it makes so much economic sense

—Don Whittington

Diane Sawyer, at her best

Smug Puppy


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